Documenting my life

Month: July 2022

How personal identity changes in time

What does identity change mean?

Your identity is, at its core, you you are. It is usually not one thing only, but you are a multitude of different things. For example you are a teacher and a son and a brother and a swimmer and a reader etc. Identity change is when you add a new thing that describes you to the list of identities you have. You can also remove something from your list, for example you can become a non-smoker – although I think identity is usually more about what you are, not having a specific behaviour can also define who you are just much.

How did my identity change?

It started with running, no doubt. Why? It gave me the confidence to go out and do stuff with others, knowing I could do it.

How did I get there?

With small steps, guided through a training plan. Not an all-in challenge I would fail and resent. The goal is to be challenged but not hate what you are doing, since you need to want to come back to it. At the beginning, the best thing is to do whatever it takes to sweeten the pill. After a while, it’s probably best to have a more sustainable and long term beneficial approach. For example, always running while listening to music will eventually become less enjoyable, as opposed to randomly running with music and without, according to research, as discussed in The Huberman’s Lab podcast.

Forming a new identity

In the book Atomic Habits, the author states that “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become” and I find it to be true, based on my experience. I have slowly started doing the specific activity and eventually it became part of my identity and therefore doing it was something I naturally did because it’s just who I am.
If you say yes to 5 opportunities to go on a hike in a row, you will likely say yes to the 6th one. It’s your new normal. And eventually it might even be the case that you are the one suggesting going on hikes. This is because you enjoy the activity and also so that you can keep your actions aligned with your identity.
This is generally said about values, for example this article on LinkedIn article says “Let your core values define you. So if you feel a lack of fulfilment, reflect on the various identities or roles you have in life and work and see if they align with your core values”. This article links identity and roles, which can be translated into actions, to values.

I think a link can also be found between identity and actions. While our identities (and our values) can change over time, the fact that our actions are aligned with our identity can help us feel contentment and fulfilled.
So taking on a new identity comes from developing a new habit or a new way of living your life, but, in turn, it will lead you to do actions related to this identity more often and naturally.

The “negative” effects of identity change

Sometimes folks are subconsciously afraid of changing something and taking on a new identity because they are afraid this will impact their social life. For example if your friend group is based around being foodies and going for brunch every weekend and trying new restaurants and meals, an identity linked to home cooked meals or eating healthy might be seen as a turn off by the rest of the group. This is because by changing your habits you could be “undermining” the core activity of the friend group. Of course this is not necessarily the case and it might steer the group towards healthy restaurants, for example, or switching up going put for meals for cooking at home all together as a bonding activity instead.

Another dynamic that can happen is that your change effectively becomes a testament to your friends’ inability to change For example, let’s suppose you and your friends have always avoided going to the gym or you all smoke. If you start working out or quit smoking, this can be seen as something you were able to accomplish, while your peers did not change anything despite also wanting to do so, deep down. This might separate you from the group.

If you have experienced a shift in your identity, how did you feel and what did you notice?

Blog update – The new normal

After a break, I have started uploading consistently again, with one new post per week for almost three months now, for a total of 10 articles since May (and a grand total of 25).

An update on the blog and how it’s going is a great way of documenting the process and what I’ve learned, precisely in the spirit of the blog itself. Here are some of the things I learned and observed during these first months, in no particular order.

First steps – just start!

The initial setup of the blog includes several things: the choice of the host and the domain name, using WordPress, and figuring out how plugins work. These are just the first few things to do. Everything was new and I don’t think I’d ever heard of the word “self-host” before toying with the idea of having a blog myself. There was a lot to learn, but thanks to online resources and discussions with a friend in the same position as me, it was all sorted (or at least in a good enough position to start posting and experimenting). It’s exciting and fun, as well as scary.

Seeing progress

One of the things I mentioned in my first post on the benefits of publishing frequently and regularly is that, especially at the beginning, you can measure the progress made. This has definitely been the case for me. I can already see the improvements made and the things I have learnt along the way, simply by practicing more. Specifically in terms of writing, post structure and formatting, as well as idea presentation.

A new identity

I realized that making progress on my blog had become part of my routine. I didn’t see it as a “job” or a chore, but just “something I do”. It has become a habit and something I look forward to and expect. This is linked to an identity change: I see myself as someone who has a blog and maintains it regularly.

Always learning

There are always new things to learn and I am just at the beginning! I have:

  • read several articles on different topics
  • researched technical aspects of having a blog
  • looked for tips and discussions by those who have more experience
  • made some changes to the html/css code

You never know

Some posts which I was particularly proud of and excited to share had fewer views than others. Viceversa, some posts which I wasn’t sure would be interesting to many people were received better than expected. It’s a good reminder to not get too attached to your ideas and beliefs. And to experiment and try new things because you never know what will come from them.

Connections

One of the advantages of having a blog is that it gives me the chance to connect with people and to discuss new topics with my friends. I have been talking about the ins and outs of blogging with one friend in particular (she also has a blog). By sharing posts I think my friends will find interesting, I have also had wonderful chats with them on topics that might not have come up otherwise. I also have been discussing this with a fellow blogger online, and it has been pretty cool to learn from her and exchange ideas.

Although not strictly connected, via sharing my posts online, they have been seen by thousands of people across the world and many (for a beginner, of course) have written to me to say some of my posts have helped them, which is really amazing!

Better at observing things

I have noticed how much more I have become able to notice small things and focus on observing my life from a different lens. I will look for opportunities to reflect and learn, noting things down when I think I can write a post about them. The idea of documenting my life is broad enough that it allows me to go in any direction I want and by being more mindful of my life I have been able to post consistently for three months and I have many other topics in mind

Closing thougths

Overall, I am very glad I decided to create this blog! It’s been really fun learning new things, writing down my thoughts. I’m happy to see the progress and keep documenting my life. It has also given me the opportunity to have a lot of interesting discussions: the blog itself or a specific article can be great conversation starters with friends and family. The most unexpected thing was this identity change and “new normal”, after only a couple of months.

On to the next six months!

Dopamine and social media

I listened to The Huberman Lab podcast episodes on dopamine and found the topic extremely interesting. It’s fascinating to me how everything is ruled by chemicals and neuroscience can explain so many aspects of our lives. 


In this article you will find out what dopamine is and how it affects us and what the link between dopamine, motivation and social media is. Please note that the social media use case is not used as an extensive example in the episodes I have listened to, but I believe the underlying mechanisms are the same and the example is correct.

What is dopamine?

Dopamine is a molecule that is associated with pleasure. You produce more dopamine when you eat a piece of chocolate, for example and certain activities release more dopamine than others.


There are two key things I learnt: 

  1. There is a pain pleasure balance
  2. Anticipation plays a big role

Let’s go through them in detail.

Pleasure pain balance

In her book Dopamine Nation, Dr Anne Lembke (interviewed on the podcast) explains that there is a balance between pleasure and pain, like a scale with two plates, or a see-saw. When one side is going up, the other goes down. But, the brain strives for balance. Therefore, if you engage in an activity that releases dopamine and tips the scale towards pleasure, it will subsequently try to balance it out. The issue is, it will overcompensate and you will feel in a lower mood than before.

That is to say, the pleasure side will have gone below baseline, where the balance is 50-50. To restore the level of before, you will try to get a new spike, by engaging in the activity again. However, you will then fall even lower. And the cycle can easily continue.

Anticipation

Dopamine is not only released by certain activities, but also by their anticipation. This is why the possibility of winning some money will make you want to gamble, for example.

Social media

There are many reasons why people use social media and each case is unique. Many people use social media to intentionally interact with friends and to stay on top of the news, for example. Sometimes, folks find themselves reaching for their phones when they are bored, stressed or upset.



This can be linked to the fact that social media provides users with many dopamine inducing moments.

You are always one post away from something potentially amazing (whatever that may be jn that circumstance: funny, informative, helpful, interesting). This triggers a dopamine release, because of the anticipation aspect. And the fact that not every post is, in fact, mind-blowing, means that your dopamine level will drop frequently, leading you to more scrolling, hoping for the next best thing. Novelty is another thing that is linked to dopamine, and we can easily find that on social media, too.



This is a very complex and interesting topic, if you have any further resources please share them in the comments below.

The GAP and the GAIN

I recently read the book The GAP and the GAIN by Dan Sullivan and Dr Benjamin Hardy, as I was intrigued by a review I saw about it.

In this post I will share the main takeaways and how I personally relate to the topics the authors discuss.

The definitions

You are in the GAP when you measure yourself or your situation against an ideal.  You are in the GAP when you think that “happiness” and “success” are something you “pursue” and will have in your future. The problem is that due do the hedonic adaptation process (discussed in the next paragraph) nothing ever will be enough, probably.

It’s human nature to be in the GAP. The GAIN is the antidote.

You are in the GAIN when you see the positives of a situation, when you learn from negative experiences and you measure yourself against your own past self and identify progress, instead of comparing yourself to others or an ideal.

Hedonic treadmill/adaptation

This is a term generally used in psychology to describe the fact that people tend to get used where they are at, what they have, etc. For example, if you want a promotion to buy yourself a new car, the new car will seem amazing at first but, soon, you will consider it your new “normal” and you will want something more. This cycle can easily become never ending, since there will always be something you don’t have if you compare yourself with others or an ideal.

You should, instead, measure your own progress and be proud of what you have overcome, what you have achieved and the steps you have taken already.

Transform an experience into a GAIN

Whenever you transform an experience into a GAIN— by creating new lessons, insights, or standards for yourself— you become better and your future becomes bigger

An experience gains value when you learn or reflect on it and you use these thoughts in the future. Of course an enjoyable experience has value in itself, but even then acknowledging this might encourage you to repeat this experience in the future. For unpleasant experiences, it’s easy to want to avoid thinking about them, but I have always found something to learn, when I have made the effort to reflect on them. I have a journal I write in, as I have found putting pen to paper helps me process feelings and thoughts calmly and I always come up with next steps and things to do to improve.

Progress not perfection [ok]

“When you’re in the GAIN, your progress becomes increasingly measurable to yourself and everyone around you. Yet, the more you’re in the GAIN, the less you compare, compete, or even care what other people think about you. 

You’re seeing new progress every day. You’re defining what your own experiences mean.” 

Psychology has shown that confidence does not create success, but rather, prior success creates confidence.

You should aim at having goals and working towards them with commitment, without becoming so attached to the destination that you don’t appreciate the journey. By having confidence and making progress, you will learn and improve and move forward, while being in no rush.

This is why, in some cases, I will set my goals so that they are output based rather than objective based. Instead of saying “I will do this by this day” I focus on how I plan to reach that deadline and focus on building a habit or routine that is measurable and that I track. And building and sticking to that habit becomes the goal itself.

Define your own success

The authors suggest spending 20 to 30 minutes reflectjng and writing about what success means to you and to figure out your personal success criteria. They suggest starting with the prompt “I know I’m being successful when…”. The idea behind this is to detatch yourself from the usual definition of success that society has taught us and to think about your own personal experience and values instead. This will allow you to feel successful without external validation and comparison. Another thing they highlight is that this definition might evolve overtime, as you gain new experience and knowledge.

Personally, I will reflect on this and on my values – I am curious to see if they are aligned and if they are in alignment with my day to day life. I suspect that I will find small things to change that will make me happier.

Plan for the real world

There is no point in being unrealistic and hoping everything will go smoothly. Things don’t always go as planned. What the authors suggest is to use a technique called implementation intention to guide you in these moments.

The idea is you come up with a plan for negative/not ideal situations you might find yourself in. This way, you will not have to think of the best action on the spot, but you will simply follow the steps you have planned. This might then lead you to creating a habit. In an example, they share how a sports coach would allow the players to be upset for 5 minutes after a lost match, and then they would have 10 minutes to think of the positives and improvement ideas.

I used to do something similar when an exam didn’t go well. I would be sad and upset and sometimes angry at myself for a short about of time, and then I would naturally start thinking about what went wrong and why. This made me learn from my mistakes and always led to actions to take to improve.

How to get out of the GAP?

The previous example shows how to get out of the GAP. It is a given that you will find yourself there at times, the goal is to get yourself out as soon as you can.

As they write in the book: “Here are five examples: After I compare myself with another person, I will say to myself, “Are you in the GAP or the GAIN?” After I feel discouraged, I will list 3 specific GAINS from the last 30 days. After someone tells me about a setback, I will say, “What did you GAIN from this experience?” After I start my weekly team meeting, I will ask, “What was your biggest GAIN yesterday?” After I open my journal, I will immediately write about one GAIN in my life.”

This section made me think of the weekly review I regularly do and how reflecting back on recent events always makes you see them in a more positive light and gives you the possibility to learn, especially if you use curiosity instead of judgment.

Track progress – always be learning

This section of the book is about tracking progress- it’s extremely important to be regularly reminded of past GAINS, so that you can look back and see how far you’ve come and the progress you have made.

In a way similarly to the hedonic treadmill, it’s easy to forget that you were previously struggling with something that might have become easy for you. Or you take for granted how far you’ve come and effectively ignore your progress.

The authors suggest thinking about recent wins and desired wins for the future. Reflecting on what you were focused on one year ago, how your life has changed since then and what you have learned in this last year ensures you are in the GAIN and you are growing as a person. An interesting prompt is about how your beliefs and definition of success have changed. 

I usually do this at the end of the year or at the half year mark, and it is always interesting to look back on.

Night routine

Throughout and especially towards the end of the book, the authors share practical tips on how to implement the ideas in the book. One of the topics is the daily routine around bedtime. They suggest putting phone on airplane mode 30 to 60 minutes before bed. This time should be used to wind down and reflect about the day, as well as plan for the next day. 

The first thing recommend is writing down three things you’re grateful for each and specific “wins” you had that day (they recommend 3) as it boosts your gratitude and your confidence.

Writing down three wins daily is one of the most effective ways to stay out of the GAP. You feel like you’re always winning and making progress. It keeps you in a state of momentum and confidence

Then you should write down the three wins you’d like to accomplish the next day. It’s important to not overdo it, but to be realistic, so writing more than three is discouraged. Of course you can do more than three things in a day, but it’s good to focus on the top three things in terms of impact when it comes to measuring success.

In the 5 Minute Journal, the last daily prompt is related to what could have made your day better. It’s phrased so that you reflect on how you could have improved things personally. I think this is a great way to learn from the past and improve

As you can see from the extensive post, there are many interesting points made in the book and it touches upon several topics. I would recommend it to anyone who is interested in having a more positive outlook and wants to understand the importance of measuring progress rather than comparing yourself or your situation and is looking for ways to do that.

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