Documenting my life

Category: identity

How to deal with criticism Bravery and the Man in the Arena

I came across this quote from Theodore Roosevelt in Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, a book I highly recommend. The quote touches on others’ judgement, criticism, self-worth and expecting and preparing for hardships.

It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt

There are three key messages in this text, which I will detail below.

Pick whose opinion you value

This is something to keep in mind when trying something new, taking up a new project or putting yourself out there. Especially if you are worried of others’ opinions and judgement or people criticise you. Ask yourself who the negative comments are coming from. Is it someone who is in the arena? Are they as courageous as you, or do the not have any first hand experience? It’s important to consider all feedback if it is constructive, but usually the unnecessary and unwelcome comments that are not helpful come from folks who do not have more or, at least, equal experience or knowledge as you. In this case, their opinion doesn’t really count.

It will be tough, be prepared

The second takeaway is the acknowledgement that being in the arena will lead to sweat, dust and blood and you will probably come short, i. e. have setbacks multiple times. If we expect messiness, hardships and fatigue, we can prepare ourselves and try to put some strategies in place to pick ourselves back up. If we don’t know this is to be expected, we might find ourselves doubting our capability and wondering if we should give up 

Know your worth

Closely linked to both points above is the fact that you need to be strong in the knowledge of your abilities and resilience to be able to ignore criticism that is sterile. You must also be willing to fight and spend a lot of time and energy into the project you are tackling, which is easier to do if you have faith in yourself and your capacity to overcome issues.

I have found the image of the man in the aren useful in multiple occasions and hope it can be helpful to you too

How personal identity changes in time

What does identity change mean?

Your identity is, at its core, you you are. It is usually not one thing only, but you are a multitude of different things. For example you are a teacher and a son and a brother and a swimmer and a reader etc. Identity change is when you add a new thing that describes you to the list of identities you have. You can also remove something from your list, for example you can become a non-smoker – although I think identity is usually more about what you are, not having a specific behaviour can also define who you are just much.

How did my identity change?

It started with running, no doubt. Why? It gave me the confidence to go out and do stuff with others, knowing I could do it.

How did I get there?

With small steps, guided through a training plan. Not an all-in challenge I would fail and resent. The goal is to be challenged but not hate what you are doing, since you need to want to come back to it. At the beginning, the best thing is to do whatever it takes to sweeten the pill. After a while, it’s probably best to have a more sustainable and long term beneficial approach. For example, always running while listening to music will eventually become less enjoyable, as opposed to randomly running with music and without, according to research, as discussed in The Huberman’s Lab podcast.

Forming a new identity

In the book Atomic Habits, the author states that “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become” and I find it to be true, based on my experience. I have slowly started doing the specific activity and eventually it became part of my identity and therefore doing it was something I naturally did because it’s just who I am.
If you say yes to 5 opportunities to go on a hike in a row, you will likely say yes to the 6th one. It’s your new normal. And eventually it might even be the case that you are the one suggesting going on hikes. This is because you enjoy the activity and also so that you can keep your actions aligned with your identity.
This is generally said about values, for example this article on LinkedIn article says “Let your core values define you. So if you feel a lack of fulfilment, reflect on the various identities or roles you have in life and work and see if they align with your core values”. This article links identity and roles, which can be translated into actions, to values.

I think a link can also be found between identity and actions. While our identities (and our values) can change over time, the fact that our actions are aligned with our identity can help us feel contentment and fulfilled.
So taking on a new identity comes from developing a new habit or a new way of living your life, but, in turn, it will lead you to do actions related to this identity more often and naturally.

The “negative” effects of identity change

Sometimes folks are subconsciously afraid of changing something and taking on a new identity because they are afraid this will impact their social life. For example if your friend group is based around being foodies and going for brunch every weekend and trying new restaurants and meals, an identity linked to home cooked meals or eating healthy might be seen as a turn off by the rest of the group. This is because by changing your habits you could be “undermining” the core activity of the friend group. Of course this is not necessarily the case and it might steer the group towards healthy restaurants, for example, or switching up going put for meals for cooking at home all together as a bonding activity instead.

Another dynamic that can happen is that your change effectively becomes a testament to your friends’ inability to change For example, let’s suppose you and your friends have always avoided going to the gym or you all smoke. If you start working out or quit smoking, this can be seen as something you were able to accomplish, while your peers did not change anything despite also wanting to do so, deep down. This might separate you from the group.

If you have experienced a shift in your identity, how did you feel and what did you notice?

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