Laura's Learnings

Documenting my life

Tag: expectations

How to deal with criticism Bravery and the Man in the Arena

September 18, 2022 / / 0 Comments

I came across this quote from Theodore Roosevelt in Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, a book I highly recommend. The quote touches on others’ judgement, criticism, self-worth and expecting and preparing for hardships.

It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt

There are three key messages in this text, which I will detail below.

Pick whose opinion you value

This is something to keep in mind when trying something new, taking up a new project or putting yourself out there. Especially if you are worried of others’ opinions and judgement or people criticise you. Ask yourself who the negative comments are coming from. Is it someone who is in the arena? Are they as courageous as you, or do the not have any first hand experience? It’s important to consider all feedback if it is constructive, but usually the unnecessary and unwelcome comments that are not helpful come from folks who do not have more or, at least, equal experience or knowledge as you. In this case, their opinion doesn’t really count.

It will be tough, be prepared

The second takeaway is the acknowledgement that being in the arena will lead to sweat, dust and blood and you will probably come short, i. e. have setbacks multiple times. If we expect messiness, hardships and fatigue, we can prepare ourselves and try to put some strategies in place to pick ourselves back up. If we don’t know this is to be expected, we might find ourselves doubting our capability and wondering if we should give up 

Know your worth

Closely linked to both points above is the fact that you need to be strong in the knowledge of your abilities and resilience to be able to ignore criticism that is sterile. You must also be willing to fight and spend a lot of time and energy into the project you are tackling, which is easier to do if you have faith in yourself and your capacity to overcome issues.

I have found the image of the man in the aren useful in multiple occasions and hope it can be helpful to you too

The GAP and the GAIN

July 3, 2022 / / 0 Comments

I recently read the book The GAP and the GAIN by Dan Sullivan and Dr Benjamin Hardy, as I was intrigued by a review I saw about it.

In this post I will share the main takeaways and how I personally relate to the topics the authors discuss.

The definitions

You are in the GAP when you measure yourself or your situation against an ideal.  You are in the GAP when you think that “happiness” and “success” are something you “pursue” and will have in your future. The problem is that due do the hedonic adaptation process (discussed in the next paragraph) nothing ever will be enough, probably.

It’s human nature to be in the GAP. The GAIN is the antidote.

You are in the GAIN when you see the positives of a situation, when you learn from negative experiences and you measure yourself against your own past self and identify progress, instead of comparing yourself to others or an ideal.

Hedonic treadmill/adaptation

This is a term generally used in psychology to describe the fact that people tend to get used where they are at, what they have, etc. For example, if you want a promotion to buy yourself a new car, the new car will seem amazing at first but, soon, you will consider it your new “normal” and you will want something more. This cycle can easily become never ending, since there will always be something you don’t have if you compare yourself with others or an ideal.

You should, instead, measure your own progress and be proud of what you have overcome, what you have achieved and the steps you have taken already.

Transform an experience into a GAIN

Whenever you transform an experience into a GAIN— by creating new lessons, insights, or standards for yourself— you become better and your future becomes bigger

An experience gains value when you learn or reflect on it and you use these thoughts in the future. Of course an enjoyable experience has value in itself, but even then acknowledging this might encourage you to repeat this experience in the future. For unpleasant experiences, it’s easy to want to avoid thinking about them, but I have always found something to learn, when I have made the effort to reflect on them. I have a journal I write in, as I have found putting pen to paper helps me process feelings and thoughts calmly and I always come up with next steps and things to do to improve.

Progress not perfection [ok]

“When you’re in the GAIN, your progress becomes increasingly measurable to yourself and everyone around you. Yet, the more you’re in the GAIN, the less you compare, compete, or even care what other people think about you. 

You’re seeing new progress every day. You’re defining what your own experiences mean.” 

Psychology has shown that confidence does not create success, but rather, prior success creates confidence.

You should aim at having goals and working towards them with commitment, without becoming so attached to the destination that you don’t appreciate the journey. By having confidence and making progress, you will learn and improve and move forward, while being in no rush.

This is why, in some cases, I will set my goals so that they are output based rather than objective based. Instead of saying “I will do this by this day” I focus on how I plan to reach that deadline and focus on building a habit or routine that is measurable and that I track. And building and sticking to that habit becomes the goal itself.

Define your own success

The authors suggest spending 20 to 30 minutes reflectjng and writing about what success means to you and to figure out your personal success criteria. They suggest starting with the prompt “I know I’m being successful when…”. The idea behind this is to detatch yourself from the usual definition of success that society has taught us and to think about your own personal experience and values instead. This will allow you to feel successful without external validation and comparison. Another thing they highlight is that this definition might evolve overtime, as you gain new experience and knowledge.

Personally, I will reflect on this and on my values – I am curious to see if they are aligned and if they are in alignment with my day to day life. I suspect that I will find small things to change that will make me happier.

Plan for the real world

There is no point in being unrealistic and hoping everything will go smoothly. Things don’t always go as planned. What the authors suggest is to use a technique called implementation intention to guide you in these moments.

The idea is you come up with a plan for negative/not ideal situations you might find yourself in. This way, you will not have to think of the best action on the spot, but you will simply follow the steps you have planned. This might then lead you to creating a habit. In an example, they share how a sports coach would allow the players to be upset for 5 minutes after a lost match, and then they would have 10 minutes to think of the positives and improvement ideas.

I used to do something similar when an exam didn’t go well. I would be sad and upset and sometimes angry at myself for a short about of time, and then I would naturally start thinking about what went wrong and why. This made me learn from my mistakes and always led to actions to take to improve.

How to get out of the GAP?

The previous example shows how to get out of the GAP. It is a given that you will find yourself there at times, the goal is to get yourself out as soon as you can.

As they write in the book: “Here are five examples: After I compare myself with another person, I will say to myself, “Are you in the GAP or the GAIN?” After I feel discouraged, I will list 3 specific GAINS from the last 30 days. After someone tells me about a setback, I will say, “What did you GAIN from this experience?” After I start my weekly team meeting, I will ask, “What was your biggest GAIN yesterday?” After I open my journal, I will immediately write about one GAIN in my life.”

This section made me think of the weekly review I regularly do and how reflecting back on recent events always makes you see them in a more positive light and gives you the possibility to learn, especially if you use curiosity instead of judgment.

Track progress – always be learning

This section of the book is about tracking progress- it’s extremely important to be regularly reminded of past GAINS, so that you can look back and see how far you’ve come and the progress you have made.

In a way similarly to the hedonic treadmill, it’s easy to forget that you were previously struggling with something that might have become easy for you. Or you take for granted how far you’ve come and effectively ignore your progress.

The authors suggest thinking about recent wins and desired wins for the future. Reflecting on what you were focused on one year ago, how your life has changed since then and what you have learned in this last year ensures you are in the GAIN and you are growing as a person. An interesting prompt is about how your beliefs and definition of success have changed. 

I usually do this at the end of the year or at the half year mark, and it is always interesting to look back on.

Night routine

Throughout and especially towards the end of the book, the authors share practical tips on how to implement the ideas in the book. One of the topics is the daily routine around bedtime. They suggest putting phone on airplane mode 30 to 60 minutes before bed. This time should be used to wind down and reflect about the day, as well as plan for the next day. 

The first thing recommend is writing down three things you’re grateful for each and specific “wins” you had that day (they recommend 3) as it boosts your gratitude and your confidence.

Writing down three wins daily is one of the most effective ways to stay out of the GAP. You feel like you’re always winning and making progress. It keeps you in a state of momentum and confidence

Then you should write down the three wins you’d like to accomplish the next day. It’s important to not overdo it, but to be realistic, so writing more than three is discouraged. Of course you can do more than three things in a day, but it’s good to focus on the top three things in terms of impact when it comes to measuring success.

In the 5 Minute Journal, the last daily prompt is related to what could have made your day better. It’s phrased so that you reflect on how you could have improved things personally. I think this is a great way to learn from the past and improve

As you can see from the extensive post, there are many interesting points made in the book and it touches upon several topics. I would recommend it to anyone who is interested in having a more positive outlook and wants to understand the importance of measuring progress rather than comparing yourself or your situation and is looking for ways to do that.

The importance of taking ownership

June 9, 2022 / / 0 Comments

I followed an event on zoom recently, held by an online content creator. It was essentially a webinar, so they were talking over a PowerPoint presentation, explaining different concepts and sharing information, specifically regarding one of their areas of expertise.

There was one slide which, I believe, contained one of the key points of the whole event. And this slide had a mistake. 

The first thing the content creator said was that someone was going to get fired. 

I was really surprised by that statement, even if it was a joke. 

I must add, they immediately said something along the lines of this being their responsibility, ultimately.

But still, that initial reaction really stuck with me and I wanted to try and unpack why.

As mentioned, this was said as a joke and they later reiterated it was ultimately their own responsibility, so this is not a personal criticism or attack, but simply a way for me to share the reasons why this stood out to me and what I have learnt in the last few years.

1. Avoid finger pointing and take ownership

Although “anonymously” (i.e. without calling someone out explicitly, of course), it rings close to finger pointing. Usually (I can’t speak for this case specifically) this means blaming someone specific and letting them take the blame, shame and expecting them to fix it. Generally the issue is more nuanced and there might have been a series of events that led to the mistake. As someone who is in charge of a presentation, you need to validate the slides you use. If you trust someone else to prepare them and don’t double check, it is still your responsibility. Ultimately it’s the presenter’s responsibility to guarantee the quality of the event, I believe. I think the idea of being a team and the importance of working together towards a goal is a key pice to keep in mind, usually.

2. Don’t use fear as a weapon

I really appreciate when a manager, leader or anyone in a position of power does not rely on guilt and shame, but rather tries to support and be compassionate. 

A great leader eliminates fear, a terrible leader weaponizes fear

Gary Vaynerchuck

Of course if someone you work with, especially if you are their manager, makes a mistake, you should let them know and work towards this not happening again. But ensure this is done in private and with compassion

3. Ask Why?

The main way to avoid repeating mistakes is to understand why sometuing happened and how to prevent it in the future. This will help get to the bottom of the issue, and it might turn out that the blame is not on the person that seems to have made the mistake initially.

There is a famous technique called Five whys, which is an iterative process that will help you investigating the root causes of an issue. I saw a post on LinkedIn which had an example similar to this:

Problem: I was late to work

  • Why 1: there was traffic
  • Why 2: I got in the car during rush hours
  • Why 3: I woke up later than usual
  • Why 4: the alarm didn’t go off
  • Why 5: I had forgotten to check and change the battery

Going back to the webinar example, maybe this presentation was done in a rush? We can dig deeper and try to understand why. Is it the person who prepared the slides’ fault? Maybe they had not discussed priorities or someone requested a last minute change which did not go through the slides. As mentioned before, the situation is usually quite nuanced and it’s important, I think, that the manager or leader encourages improvement and growth, rather than using worry and threats, even if jokingly.

What do you think? What would your reaction to someone else’s mistake be? Let me know in the comments below!

5 key things to do at your first job

December 11, 2021 / / 0 Comments

There are many things I learned the importance of during the first years of my first full-time job. I have found myself repeating some of these points to multiple people recently. I sometimes need to remind myself too! So here is a list of the key ones.

Take notes and send meeting minutes

During meetings, calls, when people explain things, etc. Make sure to write down any action items and who is supposed to do each thing. You can then send the minutes after the meeting. It doesn’t usually matter if they are just bullet points, it’s a great way to check your understanding and make sure there is a written record. This allows everyone to be on the same page and correct any misunderstandings before you start working on something. It will also come in handy when you want to get an update on something that was discussed. Or when you are not sure of when you are supposed to share your results. Lastly, it shows you are organized and helps you earn trust, and shows your coworkers you value their time

Be curious

Ask questions. Ask why things are done in a certain way and not another. Learn from everyone.

Especially at the beginning, you feel like your questions are pretty simple and basic. You might be afraid of making a bad impression. What I’ve found is that people actually appreciate questions. It’s a chance for them to explain themselves better and improve their answers for the next time they get asked about the topic. They are happy to know you are curious about what they have been working on. Another benefit is they will see you as someone who is curious and eager to improve. I doubt this will be the case, but if a manager or team member discourages questions, you should think about this: “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person”

Communicate effectively

It is critical to communicate clearly both in written or verbal form. You can do this by adding data and presenting your points in a structured way, so that the story you are conveying is clear. It’s very important to clarify the goal or the main point at the beginning, no matter if it’s an email, documentation, a paper, or a presentation.

Make sure there is a clear thread throughout, like a narrative that allows the reader/listener to follow along easily.

Try to give specific data points. Rather than saying “a lot of people”, you should say “85%”: it’s more precise and gives the reader a clearer picture. If you think about it, “a lot of people” could mean half or all of the community. If you are presenting the sales’ growth versus last month, for example, saying “sales of x increased by y% from March to April” is very different than saying “sales increased significantly”: In the second case, the reader will not know how much the sales increased, what product or service you are referring to specifically and when the sales increased.

Manage expectations

When asked to perform a task, estimate the time it will take, and inform the other person, even if they don’t mention timelines at all. If you have higher priority tasks at hand, let them know when you will be able to help; this will allow them to decide if they prefer to ask someone else.

If you think there might be any issues that could come up during the task/project, call it out as soon as possible. You will show domain expertise and help you earn trust. If everything goes smoothly, you deliver earlier than expected, which will be a win-win.

This is related to another idea connected to expectations: the concept of “underpromise and overdeliver”. You might want to add a buffer to your timeline, in order to ensure you have the time to tackle unforeseen issues if something comes up.

On the other side, when you discuss a new project or task with your manager, it’s good to make sure that you are fully aware of the expectations from their end and what the completed task ideally would look like.

Keep track

Set up 5 minutes to do a weekly review. I usually do this at the end of the week, on Friday afternoon, just before turning off my laptop.

I have set up a file to track the following things: what I worked on, what tasks/projects I finished, what issues I had and what I learned, any feedback I got (positive and negative), and what I am proud of. The last point sounds cheesy, I know, but it’s good to reflect back on your week; sometimes what you’re proud of is not in any of the other sections and it’s nice to be able to think about this kind of accomplishment too. Lastly, I will write down the main thing I will work on the following week. I have follow-up posts on my weekly review as well as my project review coming up. They will have examples and a Notion and Excel template to download.

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