Documenting my life

Tag: fear of rejection

How to deal with criticism Bravery and the Man in the Arena

I came across this quote from Theodore Roosevelt in Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, a book I highly recommend. The quote touches on others’ judgement, criticism, self-worth and expecting and preparing for hardships.

It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt

There are three key messages in this text, which I will detail below.

Pick whose opinion you value

This is something to keep in mind when trying something new, taking up a new project or putting yourself out there. Especially if you are worried of others’ opinions and judgement or people criticise you. Ask yourself who the negative comments are coming from. Is it someone who is in the arena? Are they as courageous as you, or do the not have any first hand experience? It’s important to consider all feedback if it is constructive, but usually the unnecessary and unwelcome comments that are not helpful come from folks who do not have more or, at least, equal experience or knowledge as you. In this case, their opinion doesn’t really count.

It will be tough, be prepared

The second takeaway is the acknowledgement that being in the arena will lead to sweat, dust and blood and you will probably come short, i. e. have setbacks multiple times. If we expect messiness, hardships and fatigue, we can prepare ourselves and try to put some strategies in place to pick ourselves back up. If we don’t know this is to be expected, we might find ourselves doubting our capability and wondering if we should give up 

Know your worth

Closely linked to both points above is the fact that you need to be strong in the knowledge of your abilities and resilience to be able to ignore criticism that is sterile. You must also be willing to fight and spend a lot of time and energy into the project you are tackling, which is easier to do if you have faith in yourself and your capacity to overcome issues.

I have found the image of the man in the aren useful in multiple occasions and hope it can be helpful to you too

How to deal with the fear of saying the wrong thing

Months ago I came across a phrase that has really stuck with me. I have been thinking about it a lot and in very different scenarios.

So as simple as it is (as some of the best things are) I had to share it here.

“You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person”

The idea behind the phrase “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person” is really powerful for two main reasons.

  • It takes the pressure away. If you say something and the other person reacts negatively, THEY were not the right person, since they didn’t fully understand where you are coming from or are in a different place. That is completely fine, of course, but it has nothing to do with what you said.
  • It acts as a red flag detector. If someone rejects you because of something you said, it probably means you don’t share the same values, and it’s best to find this out sooner rather than later.

Real-life examples

Job interview You are applying for a job and you ask about work-life balance in the interview. They might give a generic response, and start to doubt your work ethic. They might not extend you an offer. But, if you think about it, you would not want to be hired by a company that will demand you to put in extra hours and will lead you to be burnt out.

Asking the question might seem like you’re shooting yourself in the foot, but if you’re worried they will get the wrong impression and you will be perceived as “lazy”, the truth is the worry should be “on them”, they should be excited to show you how they are currently implementing good work-life harmony strategies to ensure employers aren’t overwhelmed.

Moving in You are considering moving in with someone and they act surprised when you tell them you want to discuss how you will manage the household and how you will split the chores. That is a sign that something is off, probably their views on how often and who should clean/tidy are very different to yours and you would not be compatible housemates if you can’t agree and work together on this point. The key thing to remember is that the issue rarely is in “saying the wrong thing”, but in the reaction and the response we get. As much as a negative reaction might lead to you not moving in together, it is better to figure this out before signing the lease.

Learning something new You have started a course and you will have to spend your Sundays working through that. Your friends are always pressuring you to go out, saying the course is useless anyway, and they refuse to make plans at a time that would be more convenient to you. This is a sign they have no flexibility and they don’t value learning and growing your knowledge as much as you do. In this case, the “right person” would support you in this new endeavor and encourage you, and would be happy to say yes to plans that fit all schedules.

Closing thoughts

The obvious caveat for this post is that communication is key, you must always be kind and respectful when talking to others. It’s always important to let the other person have a chance to explain themselves and give them the chance to work on something they want to improve if this is compatible with your needs.

This sentence can be helpful to deal with the fear of rejection since it reframes it as a sign that the match is not ideal, which is something you would want to find out as soon as possible.

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