Tag: fear

How to deal with criticism Bravery and the Man in the Arena

September 18, 2022 / lauraslearnings / 0 Comments

I came across this quote from Theodore Roosevelt in Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, a book I highly recommend. The quote touches on others’ judgement, criticism, self-worth and expecting and preparing for hardships.

It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt

There are three key messages in this text, which I will detail below.

Pick whose opinion you value

This is something to keep in mind when trying something new, taking up a new project or putting yourself out there. Especially if you are worried of others’ opinions and judgement or people criticise you. Ask yourself who the negative comments are coming from. Is it someone who is in the arena? Are they as courageous as you, or do the not have any first hand experience? It’s important to consider all feedback if it is constructive, but usually the unnecessary and unwelcome comments that are not helpful come from folks who do not have more or, at least, equal experience or knowledge as you. In this case, their opinion doesn’t really count.

It will be tough, be prepared

The second takeaway is the acknowledgement that being in the arena will lead to sweat, dust and blood and you will probably come short, i. e. have setbacks multiple times. If we expect messiness, hardships and fatigue, we can prepare ourselves and try to put some strategies in place to pick ourselves back up. If we don’t know this is to be expected, we might find ourselves doubting our capability and wondering if we should give up

Know your worth

Closely linked to both points above is the fact that you need to be strong in the knowledge of your abilities and resilience to be able to ignore criticism that is sterile. You must also be willing to fight and spend a lot of time and energy into the project you are tackling, which is easier to do if you have faith in yourself and your capacity to overcome issues.

I have found the image of the man in the aren useful in multiple occasions and hope it can be helpful to you too

The importance of taking ownership

June 9, 2022 / lauraslearnings / 0 Comments

I followed an event on zoom recently, held by an online content creator. It was essentially a webinar, so they were talking over a PowerPoint presentation, explaining different concepts and sharing information, specifically regarding one of their areas of expertise.

There was one slide which, I believe, contained one of the key points of the whole event. And this slide had a mistake.

The first thing the content creator said was that someone was going to get fired.

I was really surprised by that statement, even if it was a joke.

I must add, they immediately said something along the lines of this being their responsibility, ultimately.

But still, that initial reaction really stuck with me and I wanted to try and unpack why.

As mentioned, this was said as a joke and they later reiterated it was ultimately their own responsibility, so this is not a personal criticism or attack, but simply a way for me to share the reasons why this stood out to me and what I have learnt in the last few years.

1. Avoid finger pointing and take ownership

Although “anonymously” (i.e. without calling someone out explicitly, of course), it rings close to finger pointing. Usually (I can’t speak for this case specifically) this means blaming someone specific and letting them take the blame, shame and expecting them to fix it. Generally the issue is more nuanced and there might have been a series of events that led to the mistake. As someone who is in charge of a presentation, you need to validate the slides you use. If you trust someone else to prepare them and don’t double check, it is still your responsibility. Ultimately it’s the presenter’s responsibility to guarantee the quality of the event, I believe. I think the idea of being a team and the importance of working together towards a goal is a key pice to keep in mind, usually.

2. Don’t use fear as a weapon

I really appreciate when a manager, leader or anyone in a position of power does not rely on guilt and shame, but rather tries to support and be compassionate.

A great leader eliminates fear, a terrible leader weaponizes fear
Gary Vaynerchuck

Of course if someone you work with, especially if you are their manager, makes a mistake, you should let them know and work towards this not happening again. But ensure this is done in private and with compassion

3. Ask Why?

The main way to avoid repeating mistakes is to understand why sometuing happened and how to prevent it in the future. This will help get to the bottom of the issue, and it might turn out that the blame is not on the person that seems to have made the mistake initially.

There is a famous technique called Five whys, which is an iterative process that will help you investigating the root causes of an issue. I saw a post on LinkedIn which had an example similar to this:

Problem: I was late to work

Why 1: there was traffic
Why 2: I got in the car during rush hours
Why 3: I woke up later than usual
Why 4: the alarm didn’t go off
Why 5: I had forgotten to check and change the battery

Going back to the webinar example, maybe this presentation was done in a rush? We can dig deeper and try to understand why. Is it the person who prepared the slides’ fault? Maybe they had not discussed priorities or someone requested a last minute change which did not go through the slides. As mentioned before, the situation is usually quite nuanced and it’s important, I think, that the manager or leader encourages improvement and growth, rather than using worry and threats, even if jokingly.

What do you think? What would your reaction to someone else’s mistake be? Let me know in the comments below!

Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown book review

December 29, 2021 / lauraslearnings / 2 Comments

In this post, you can find my notes and a personal review of Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown’s new book.

Who is it for?

I would recommend this book to anyone curious about emotions and who wants to learn more. Particularly about when/how they can arise, what they can tell us, and what are the subtle differences between similar ones.

It’s especially interesting for those who spend a lot of time with others, to have a clearer understanding of different experiences and emotions. This will improve their ability to connect more effectively.

Book structure and style

Atlas of the Heart reads like a dictionary or an encyclopedia, so you can jump from one section to another, or skip something entirely.

Each section describes emotions related to a specific scenario, in the form of “Places we go when…”. It’s very practical to skim through and look for what you need.
It is nice to read about many different examples, both from the author’s personal experience and from the years of research she has collated.

The final chapters discuss cultivating meaningful connection and gratitude.

Brené Brown’s writing style is clearly recognizable, despite this book being similar to a consultation manual. She is often encouraging, especially when describing an unpleasant emotion.

Personal experience

I paused reading the book on multiple occasions, to reflect on my own experience and take notes. This helped me to better take in the messages shared. I will also be able to go back to them and revisit specific paragraphs that resonated.

After reading Atlas of the Heart, I went back to it again, when I was trying to process and uncover what I was feeling. It was useful to dig deeper and it was nice to feel validated and read about others’ experiences.

I will definitely go back to this book multiple times – I am positive it will become a pillar book to reference.

Key takeaways

Brené Brown points out a few things in her new book that stood out to me:

The difference between envy and jealousy: “Envy occurs when we want something that another person has. Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have”
Expectations: we need to make them explicit within ourselves and other people involved. This is something that feels scary, but will strenghen the connection, help set boundaries and feeling less hurt in the future
I discovered the definition of freudenfreude: being happy for someone else’s success. It’s something to look for and treasure any relationship. It can be nice to be more open and celebrate more often, even the small things

Notes and personal thoughts on expectations
Managing and setting expectations is something especially important to remember. It’s easy to assume others “will know” what our expectations are, when in fact they might not be clear at all – sometimes they could be quite different!

It can also help in setting boundaries and having well defined limits as well as key milestones in place.

It’s also key to remember to ask for others’ expectations. Aim to have a clear picture of when they will consider something to be completed or what the final outcome should be. It’s critical in a work environment, but it is useful in other areas as well.

Interestingly, it’s also key to be aware of our own personal expectations for projects or tasks. We want to ensure that they are reasonable and doable. This means we are not setting ourselves up for disappointment or failure, with unrealistic outcomes in mind.

If you liked this post, subscribe to the newsletter!
I send out emails with a wrap-up of the latest posts as well as interesting and fun things I came across recently.
There is a “Newsletter” tab in the menu at the top of the page. Thank you!

How to deal with the fear of saying the wrong thing

December 18, 2021 / lauraslearnings / 2 Comments

Months ago I came across a phrase that has really stuck with me. I have been thinking about it a lot and in very different scenarios.

So as simple as it is (as some of the best things are) I had to share it here.

“You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person”

The idea behind the phrase “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person” is really powerful for two main reasons.

It takes the pressure away. If you say something and the other person reacts negatively, THEY were not the right person, since they didn’t fully understand where you are coming from or are in a different place. That is completely fine, of course, but it has nothing to do with what you said.

It acts as a red flag detector. If someone rejects you because of something you said, it probably means you don’t share the same values, and it’s best to find this out sooner rather than later.

Real-life examples

Job interview You are applying for a job and you ask about work-life balance in the interview. They might give a generic response, and start to doubt your work ethic. They might not extend you an offer. But, if you think about it, you would not want to be hired by a company that will demand you to put in extra hours and will lead you to be burnt out.

Asking the question might seem like you’re shooting yourself in the foot, but if you’re worried they will get the wrong impression and you will be perceived as “lazy”, the truth is the worry should be “on them”, they should be excited to show you how they are currently implementing good work-life harmony strategies to ensure employers aren’t overwhelmed.

Moving in You are considering moving in with someone and they act surprised when you tell them you want to discuss how you will manage the household and how you will split the chores. That is a sign that something is off, probably their views on how often and who should clean/tidy are very different to yours and you would not be compatible housemates if you can’t agree and work together on this point. The key thing to remember is that the issue rarely is in “saying the wrong thing”, but in the reaction and the response we get. As much as a negative reaction might lead to you not moving in together, it is better to figure this out before signing the lease.

Learning something new You have started a course and you will have to spend your Sundays working through that. Your friends are always pressuring you to go out, saying the course is useless anyway, and they refuse to make plans at a time that would be more convenient to you. This is a sign they have no flexibility and they don’t value learning and growing your knowledge as much as you do. In this case, the “right person” would support you in this new endeavor and encourage you, and would be happy to say yes to plans that fit all schedules.

Closing thoughts

The obvious caveat for this post is that communication is key, you must always be kind and respectful when talking to others. It’s always important to let the other person have a chance to explain themselves and give them the chance to work on something they want to improve if this is compatible with your needs.

This sentence can be helpful to deal with the fear of rejection since it reframes it as a sign that the match is not ideal, which is something you would want to find out as soon as possible.

If you liked this post, subscribe to the newsletter!
I will send out emails with a wrap-up of the latest posts as well as interesting and fun things I came across recently.
There is a “Newsletter” tab in the menu at the top of the page. Thank you!

10 reasons to start improv

November 30, 2021 / lauraslearnings / 0 Comments

I have been doing improv for over two years now and I have definitely learnt a lot along the way, while having so much fun and laughing until my stomach hurts.

Here is a list of things that will give you a hint of why I like it so much 🙂 I wish I’d stumbled upon something similar before signing up for my first class, so hopefully, this can encourage someone to start improvising!

1. Meeting new people

I have met so many new people, with many different backgrounds, ages, interests, that I would not have had a chance to meet in my usual routine. During the pandemic this became even more true: thanks to everything being online, I got to know improvisers from all over the world and we will be organizing an IRL event when possible 🙂 I can’t wait!

2. “Laugh, play, and have fun“

What I like the most is that improv is FUN. It’s very common for people in the audience to laugh a lot and you are lucky to be “the audience” when your classmates are performing. I have genuinely laughed out loud countless times. It’s all a game and even if it can be challenging it’s also, always fun! “It was amazing to laugh, play and have fun for two hours” was basically what all of us said after the first lesson was over

3. Doing something scary

Public speaking is one of the activities that mostly scares Americans, according to this survey. It’s scarier than being mugged or not being able to repay student loans, the results showed.

Public speaking is essentially speaking in front of an audience.

Now, improv is like public speaking, but with no script, slides or preparation. Way scarier!

And even if you are acting, exactly because it’s not scripted, anything you say was clearly thought by you, which is a vulnerable position to be in and it is scary to have to say something with zero planning.

The very nice thing about improv is that, although it can be scary at first, everyone is so welcoming and you learn pretty soon that mistakes don’t really exist, so the atmosphere is always fun and amazing.

4. Learning to deal with uncertainty

Improv is, by definition, unscripted. You get an inspiration word (sometimes a location, a relationship, or even a random word like pineapple) and you have to come up with something on the spot. Let me tell you, it is NOT always easy. And you are not alone, which is a blessing, but it also means you can be heading in one direction and your scene partner was thinking of something completely different so you have to pivot and instantly go on a very different path. This brings me to the next point

5. Learning to listen

It’s crucial to listen, at all times and very carefully. You should try and remember as much as possible and pick up on any cues or peculiar things that can be used to better explain the environment you are setting up, for instance, or which can enhance the scene

6. Being in the present and letting go

Related to the previous point is this: you can’t be thinking of what you’re going to say next, or you might miss the last four words your scene partner says and then respond in a way that would not be realistic. Or you might miss an opportunity for a pun or simply a better line if you are focused on where you thought the scene was going versus where it has actually gone. You will learn to let go of your plans and go with the flow

7. Reducing stress

You need to be so focused and concentrated on what is going on in the moment, so there is no brain space left for pending to-dos, unread emails, or an issue you have been worrying about

8. Becoming confident talking in front of people

Connected to the point of doing something scary, getting in the habit of talking to an audience means it will be way easier to give a talk or a presentation in the future – there you have the luxury to prepare a speech!

9. Embracing failure

You are going to make mistakes. You just have to move on. You are going to say something a bit out of place maybe because you weren’t fully listening or you might misremember the name you had given your scene partner and end up calling them with a different one a few moments later. Although of course, we all try to avoid mistakes, sometimes they make everything better because it is usually inherently funny and if it gets picked up it can become a joke

10. Noticing details

This is linked to the previous point. You need to be careful and pay attention to the details of what is being said and done in the scene. There will be small things you can pick up on that will take you in a totally unforeseen scenario. There will be mistakes or inconsistencies that you can turn into a joke. There will be some confusion in your partner and you can openly observe it and treat it as if it were confusion in the character they are portraying

All in all, it’s clear I am a huge fan of doing and watching improv. If you ever have the chance, I highly recommend you give it a go! If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

If you are an improviser, what is your favourite thing about improv? Leave it in the comments below, please